Even with no action, it moves at a steady pace in a way that it's hypnotizing, the bits of alliteration and internal rhyme come off natural, and carry the rhythm with it's musicality, balancing the unfamiliarity with the world your presenting, without turning it into a cartoon or an over-stylized genre piece.
the cultural references make it a rich tapestry where what may seem as a mundane action is burdened with historical and personal familial context, layering conversations that are made seem light by the jovial energy injected into each line, but are felt in their density as they unravel into this original mélange, of what I'm now seeing as a mix between Fritz Lang (M) and Andrew Lau and Alan Mak,(Internal Affairs) as far as atmosphere and images projected in my mind’s eye is concerned. I feel like you can lean it out a smidge, and I don't necessarily mean word count/length.
I fuck with it. The world is one I'd love to walk in, the characters are intriguing, but most importantly: unforced. I can tell you did your research because of how you took care in the way each cultural nod was presented.
Good work, man. Incredible that you're just twenty-one and writing like this (I know it's kinda wild to say and have such a standard considering that in the 'old days' [James Joyce dad, published a poem of his that he wrote when he was just nine]), showing hella promise. You and Edward (PineBox Readings) should link.
Anyway, I will say, as shitty as my comments are, this is the most 'comprehensive' I've left here so far lol
This is an amazing response man, more feedback than I could have ever asked for. I appreciate all the kind words, I’m just in love with the game here and the way words make me feel, and I just wanna share that love through these stories of mine. It’s always refreshing to get a new set of eyes on them and especially from someone as uber talented as yourself
I always love slow-burn horror, where you're not quite sure when or how hell is going to break loose. The narration is a treat in and of itself, unsettling and eloquent and casual all at the same time. Also I love this line especially:
"They know I have come to rewrite what has been written.
That I have come to preserve the fiction."
It's so raw and poetic, by which I mean it reminds me of a poem. Really great stuff.
I did a lot of research for this one, at least on the Yakuza. Someone more discerning than me could probably point out a couple issues that stand out, but as far as I’m concerned it’s pretty accurate, bar some poetic license with ceremony names, ranks, dates, times.
I love when people make the effort on small detail... im one of those people that, if there's a science fiction or adventure film or something which is complete wild fantasy, if they get one actual detail of real physics wrong I'm going "well that wouldnt happen! the film is ruined"
Yeah, you got to have some semblance of internal logic. My mentality with making stuff up in fiction has always been that I can shoot from the hip, but when it's done, my bullet spread needs to be tight.
I'm loving the way it breathes.
Even with no action, it moves at a steady pace in a way that it's hypnotizing, the bits of alliteration and internal rhyme come off natural, and carry the rhythm with it's musicality, balancing the unfamiliarity with the world your presenting, without turning it into a cartoon or an over-stylized genre piece.
the cultural references make it a rich tapestry where what may seem as a mundane action is burdened with historical and personal familial context, layering conversations that are made seem light by the jovial energy injected into each line, but are felt in their density as they unravel into this original mélange, of what I'm now seeing as a mix between Fritz Lang (M) and Andrew Lau and Alan Mak,(Internal Affairs) as far as atmosphere and images projected in my mind’s eye is concerned. I feel like you can lean it out a smidge, and I don't necessarily mean word count/length.
I fuck with it. The world is one I'd love to walk in, the characters are intriguing, but most importantly: unforced. I can tell you did your research because of how you took care in the way each cultural nod was presented.
Good work, man. Incredible that you're just twenty-one and writing like this (I know it's kinda wild to say and have such a standard considering that in the 'old days' [James Joyce dad, published a poem of his that he wrote when he was just nine]), showing hella promise. You and Edward (PineBox Readings) should link.
Anyway, I will say, as shitty as my comments are, this is the most 'comprehensive' I've left here so far lol
Lookin' forward for more from ya'
This is an amazing response man, more feedback than I could have ever asked for. I appreciate all the kind words, I’m just in love with the game here and the way words make me feel, and I just wanna share that love through these stories of mine. It’s always refreshing to get a new set of eyes on them and especially from someone as uber talented as yourself
there's a confidence and authority here that really sings. vivid worldbuilding and great style - looking forward to more.
Thanks for the read man! I appreciate you taking the time
I always love slow-burn horror, where you're not quite sure when or how hell is going to break loose. The narration is a treat in and of itself, unsettling and eloquent and casual all at the same time. Also I love this line especially:
"They know I have come to rewrite what has been written.
That I have come to preserve the fiction."
It's so raw and poetic, by which I mean it reminds me of a poem. Really great stuff.
Thanks so much for the read man!
Incredible writing. Dark, poetic, raw. I loved it.
Thank you so much for the read Greta!
dense and tense. sounds authentic but i wouldn't know for sure. peoni tattoo's are so ironically pretty.
I did a lot of research for this one, at least on the Yakuza. Someone more discerning than me could probably point out a couple issues that stand out, but as far as I’m concerned it’s pretty accurate, bar some poetic license with ceremony names, ranks, dates, times.
Thanks for the read!
I love when people make the effort on small detail... im one of those people that, if there's a science fiction or adventure film or something which is complete wild fantasy, if they get one actual detail of real physics wrong I'm going "well that wouldnt happen! the film is ruined"
Yeah, you got to have some semblance of internal logic. My mentality with making stuff up in fiction has always been that I can shoot from the hip, but when it's done, my bullet spread needs to be tight.